The Art of Self-Belief

One of my favourite podcasts to listen to is the Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett. It is one of my favourites because I find the interviews to be very real and inspirational and I have gained so many life lessons from listening to the episodes. In one episode, Steven interviewed the Hungarian psychologist, Gabor Maté and Gabor said something that ran very true to me when I began to give it some thought. He said that most adults are shaped by their experiences as children, meaning that any joy or trauma they experienced as children, shaped their perceptions as adults. I certainly think that this is a very true statement to make. I remember watching this documentary series with my family a while ago called Seven Up. The series began in the 1960s with children from various backgrounds, some from rich families and some from poor. These children were interviewed every seven years to see if the saying “Give me a child until he is seven, and I will give you the man,” ran true. I remember being absolutely astonished by the transformation. Yes, these children blossomed into men and women, yet their facial expressions, their demeanours, and their personalities were almost exact copies from when they were seven years old, if not slightly more matured. Many of the children went on to become accomplished adults in their careers and it was lovely to see the evolution of their characters. Those who were not so accomplished or lived lives that were not what was expected, did so because of trauma they experienced as children. Either way, for the children who became successful and for the children who lost their way, Gabor’s claim that adults are shaped by both the joys and the traumas of their childhoods, runs true.

Why is this important? I think that one aspect of being a child is having that uncanny sense of confidence. I think that most of us are born with this but it’s an aspect of ourselves that changes with experience. I’ve only recently begun to think about this but I think that the reason why children are so confident is because they do not know enough about the world to be scared of it. This is probably why parents take their children to gymnastics at an early age because it’s in that formative period that children are bold enough to learn all those tricks and skills. Whilst an adult would shy away from doing gymnastics because they understand the dangers from experience, children will happily do a flip because they are not so aware of the dangers. In another DOAC episode where Steven interviewed Mel Robins, Mel was discussing this exact premise. She said that as children we can face a mirror and give ourselves all these compliments about our appearance but as adults we struggle to do this because we are aware of other people’s opinions of us based on our experiences. In some ways, these examples show us the great sadness of adulthood. We are too scared to do the things that we used to do as children because we are tainted by the pain of experiencing those dangers. On the other hand, this is scientifically how it is supposed to be. Why do we feel pain when we accidentally touch a hot kettle as a child? We feel the pain because we need to be made aware of the harm that touching that hot kettle can cause us. As such, pain can sometimes be used as warning signal to protect us from serious harm. However, the problem comes when we seek protection so much that we stop ourselves from trying new things. That’s when the pain can become debilitating. Which is where self-belief comes into play.

When it comes down to my personal experience, I think my lack of self-confidence is less to do with my appearance and more to do with my abilities and this is perhaps something that I have become more aware of as I’ve come into university. I am very much thankful that I have always been that person who can walk out of the house without anything fancy on and be pretty comfortable with the way that I look. However, sometimes it was taken a little bit to the extreme with me. For instance, back in primary school, my parents went through a phase of telling me to brush my hair before going to school because I was so relaxed with the way that I looked that I almost forgot to do it! You certainly would not see that from me now. I may not be high-fashion but I do like wearing nice things and I have my own special style. Yet, throughout my life, I have exhibited a lack of self-confidence and self-belief in other arenas. When I was younger, I remember finding certain things at school quite hard. As an example, I remember quite vividly maths being my nemesis subject for a long time. From the beginning, I was placed in the support group for maths because I had no natural ability with it at all. I always had to ask the teacher for help and I remember it almost being a revelation when I could finally add and subtract things on my hands. I would also not put my hand up in class because I knew that whatever numbers I invented in my head as an answer to a problem, were wrong most of the time. In year 6, me and one of my good friends at the time, were placed in the support group for maths and we would ask our teacher every month when we would be moving up because we both got so fed up of being in that group! It was quite a dejecting feeling when the teacher told us that my friend had a chance of moving up but that I still had a little way to go. I do not mean to make my early years of school sound depressing. In truth, I loved school and I especially cried when I had to leave primary school and my teachers to enter the ‘big school’ on the other side of the village! Yet, it wasn’t until year 9 that I moved up a level in maths and I think those years of hard work to get to that point, definitely had an impact on the attitude I took towards my studies.

To return to Gabor’s idea about traumas and joys, I firstly want to start off by saying that I would not refer to my past experiences as traumas but rather situations that have left imprints on my life as I have continued to live it. As I have continued to reflect on my past experiences, I have come to realise that I sometimes overcompensate when it comes to my studies, in the sense that I will work really hard on something and not always acknowledge how far I’ve progressed. In some ways, I think that this attitude comes from my experiences working really hard with subjects like maths but not always getting the grades that I wanted. Over time, I have gained this attitude that if I overdo my work, then there’s a higher chance of success. However, in the process of doing more than average, I can either become prone to burnout or I do not have the energy to enjoy what I have achieved. In essence, I have gained an attitude of overcompensation through my past difficulties with my studies and at times, I find that it prevents me from seeing what I have become.

Although everyone’s circumstances are different, I do believe that there are a lot of people in this world who suffer from a lack of self-belief because evidence from their past failures suggests that they are not worthy of rising up to the challenge again. As such, I guess the question to be asked is, how do we deal with this? Just as I struggle to see how far I’ve come, I think there are many others out there who behave in very much a similar manner to their achievements. I think that most of us should be proud of ourselves because as much as we don’t always acknowledge it, we have done a lot with our lives and more than we think if we actually take the time to reflect on it. So if it means writing down just a few things that you are actually proud of or sitting on the end of your bed before going to sleep and reflecting on the things that you have actually done with your life, then do it without any hesitation. If you are still adamant that you haven’t achieved anything in your life (which I doubt will be many people) then think about what you really want to do with your life and create small steps for yourself on how you’re going to get to that end goal. Each time you complete those small steps, tick it off your list and you will notice that your self-confidence will grow over time. Another great podcaster is Chris Williamson and I heard him say one time that the reason why we struggle with self-belief is because we either have no evidence to believe that we can do something or we have too much evidence to believe that we can’t. That’s what I am attempting to answer with these two examples. Sometimes, our brain needs to see what can be done in order to believe in what’s possible and that’s the gift that you’re giving yourself when you take the time to reflect on past achievements.

If we take my situation with maths as an example, if I reflect on the person I’ve become from the person I was back in primary school, there is a massive discrepancy. In year 9, I managed to grapple my way to the next level in my maths class. Never before did I think that I would take maths beyond secondary school but alas, I studied the International Baccalaureate at sixth form and I took it as one of my subjects. I wouldn’t say that I have ever been a mathematician but I managed to pass IB maths, after two very strenuous years, during which I wrote a 10 page maths essay analysing real life data with equations that I had learnt in my classes. I also took a science course as one of my subjects for the IB and I got the highest grade that I could get in the subject, despite it also involving a lot of maths. When I was younger, I was absolutely terrified that my lack of abilities in maths would hold me back in life. I thought, how can I possibly get through the rest of school without having this core subject under my belt? Now, I realise that most things break with a little bit of hard work and perseverance. I am now at Durham University studying for a degree in history and although I find it very challenging, if I look back to the person I used to be and compare it to the person I am today, it’s only then that I truly realise how much has changed.

I am not writing this as an act of conceited pride but rather as an illustration for you that looking back on what you’ve achieved can make you feel more confident about approaching challenges in the future. For me, the process of even writing out my journey with maths and the progress I’ve made in the subject, has given me reassurance that I can overcome future academic hurdles, that I am likely to encounter now that I am studying history at Durham. It’s a very militaristic mindset to have but it nevertheless works. Me and my family watched this series about these men who were training to become Royal Marines. One of the commanders said that the training is is a vital step for the recruits to go through because it gives the recruits the confidence to get through hurdles on the battlefield, knowing that they were able to get through similar situations in training. It’s a similar principle when applied to our everyday lives. All the little assessments we do in school or all the presentations that we have to do at work, are done in preparation for something bigger. It’s only after we acknowledge or actively take part in those small challenges, that we give ourselves the evidence that we need to tackle future challenges with confidence.

To return to Gabor’s claim about children and self-confidence, I think there’s another way that adults can harness their sense of self-belief and that is through not taking life so seriously! I think as adults, we look at our childhoods with awe because we think about how free we were and how little care we had for things that really didn’t matter. Although we live busy lives and we may not think that it’s always possible, I think as adults we can actually harness that care-free part of ourselves that was lost as we grew out of childhood. There have been many moments in my life when I’ve perhaps not done so well at something because I’ve either overthought about it or I’ve overprepared for it. To return to my example with maths, my struggles with the subject have given me this attitude that I need to give it 110% all the time. Whilst I think it’s criminal seeing people doing really well in exams, despite having only revised for it the night before, I also think that the reason why they do really well is because they are care-free and they have released the weight of expectation that they put on themselves. Believe it or not, we can all be care-free because we were all like that once before. All you need to say to yourself before you go into an exam, or the the next presentation, or the next challenge you have to face, “I have done all I can, I now just need to let go and enjoy the process.” This, alongside honouring your past achievements, is the recipe that you need to grow in self-confidence.

I hope you enjoyed today’s article. Let me know if this advice was helpful or if you’ve got any other tips for achieving self-confidence, in the comments below and I’ll be sure to reply to you. I love hearing what you have to say!

If you want to keep more up to date with future posts and articles, you can subscribe to my blog below so that you never miss an upload!

See you next week,

Bye,

XOX, Juliette