Learning to be with Yourself

Before coming to university, I didn’t think that solitude would be something that I would have to learn how to deal with. I understand that this sounds very obvious to those of you who are reading this because when you’re at university, it’s the first time that you’re living on your own so it’s obvious that you are going to have to come to terms with solitude at some point during your degree. However, I suppose that I didn’t truly understand what solitude meant until I was in my room reading an article one day and the loneliness kind of hit me. My mum always asks me why I like to study in the library so much. It depends on where you sit but I like studying in the library in part because I feel as though I work better with the background chatter and the background shuffle of people trying to get on with their studies. Although I sometimes like silence because it helps me concentrate in moments when I really have to get something done, in the day-to-day working of things, I find the silence oddly distracting because my mind will go to all sorts of places as I am trying to work things out in my head. The library has just the right amount of white noise for me to study calmly and productively without getting distracted. I also like working in the library because I find the solidarity of seeing other students working around me quite comforting. When it’s just me in my room, I can feel quite shut out from the world if I spend hours trying to read and write things for my essays and seminars. However, I think both reasons why I like to work in the library are linked to the fact that I sometimes feel lonely studying on my own inside my room and being inside the library has been a way for me to resolve that.

Going to university isn’t just about learning how to be independent but also learning how to be with yourself. In my first term of university, I had to learn how to organise my schedule to maintain a good work-life balance. I also had to learn how to do the food shop for myself, cook for myself and do the laundry for myself. When I look back now at all these little things that I had to learn how to do for myself, I realise that they were not as scary to do by myself as they initially seemed but that’s because I’ve gained a certain level of independence. Whilst at home I would have been dependent on my parents to do these things for me, at university I’ve had to learn to do these chores on my own because it’s the first time that I’ve lived on my own properly. When I first arrived at university, I was scared by the simplest of tasks. I didn’t know where was the best place to go food shopping and I was scared of ruining my clothes doing the laundry. Now I just laugh at myself because I do these chores on a regular basis without too much thought! That’s what it means to be independent and I’m sure that I will continue to become more independent as time goes on. However, I’ve found being with yourself to be something completely different to being independent. Being with yourself is learning how to have dinner by yourself instead of round a table with your family. Being with yourself is learning how to read books in your room when you know no one else is nearby. Being with yourself is learning how to entertain yourself in the evening when you’ve got nothing else planned. Ultimately, being with yourself is learning how to enjoy those moments of solitude when it’s just you and your thoughts. As someone who is quite introverted, I thought that this would be something that I would find relatively easy to do but I’ve surprised myself in many ways by discovering that I actually enjoy the company of others more than I thought.

There are many ways to overcome moments of loneliness. For instance, thanks to technology, we can have video conversations with our friends and family, even if they’re not physically with us. This is something that I have done a lot myself recently and in the last term. Especially if I come back from a dance class a bit late in the evening, I like to warm up my food and eat it whilst speaking to my family. I find that this is a good replacement to having dinner at home with my family around a table. Of course, as I’ve mentioned before, I like to go to the library to overcome moments of loneliness whilst studying. However, another good alternative to studying in your room, is studying in a café. My flatmate said to me that one time she got herself some breakfast and wrote part of her English essay inside Wetherspoons. I thought that this was a strange idea at first but last term, when I was getting particularly stressed about formative essays, I found that having a Wetherspoons breakfast whilst typing out some paragraphs, was a relaxing way to be productive. Especially since the food at Wetherspoons is cheap and easy to order, you might as well give it a go! When it comes to those moments when you’re by yourself in the evening, it’s important to get involved in activities with other people. At university, there are always so many societies to choose from, there will almost certainly be something there for you. For me, my favourite activity to do after a day of studying is dance and I have made so many new friends. Recently, I started to do a bit of ballet and I found that one of the girls on one of my modules was doing ballet too so it was a great way for me to get to know her a bit better. I also enjoy going out clubbing from time to time with my friends but on those evenings when I just want to get involved in something more relaxed, taking part in the dance classes is a good way to be social, whilst doing something that I enjoy.

Those are my methods of getting around feeling a little bit lonely. However, I do think that it’s important to also learn how to enjoy your own company from time to time as well. Especially with Valentine’s Day coming up, I think that it’s important for people to learn how to be okay with being with themselves. As much as it’s nice to go to social events and study in public spaces, there will be times where you will have no choice but to enjoy your own company. This is something that I sometimes struggle with. Although I am only 19 years old and I have long future ahead of me, in early July I will be turning 20 and as I enter this new decade of my life, I cannot help but notice that throughout my entire teenage years, I have never been in a relationship. It’s not necessarily been out of choice that this has happened but rather I haven’t really developed a connection with someone yet that suggested a relationship was on the horizon. Recently, I have begun to realise that this is completely okay and matters little in the grand scheme of things. I’d much rather be content with myself and be on my own than be with someone who isn’t really content with me. Nevertheless, it’s been at university that I’ve learnt how to enjoy the solitude. Whilst I like to go out, on other evenings, I also like making myself a cup of hot chocolate and watching something on Netflix. My favourite series to watch recently has been Downton Abbey but I’ve finished all 6 seasons of it so if you guys have any other series that you think I should watch, then do let me know them in the comments! I have also enjoyed a good solo walk from time to time in the mornings or evenings and sometimes I’ve enjoyed making myself some tea and typing out my essays on my bed. As such, it’s been at university that I realised that being alone does not necessarily constitute to being lonely. Sometimes it’s quite healthy to be alone because it’s in those moments when you can listen to yourself and understand yourself a lot better. In those moments of solitude, you can carry out acts of self care because you’re listening to your needs.

As much as I was scared to come to university to begin with, part of me wishes I could go back to my past self from a few months ago and reassure her that it was all going to be okay. Ultimately, although I am undertaking a very challenging course, I feel like I’m starting to find my people and my place at Durham. That feeling of belonging is such a beautiful thing. Although moving into my first room at Durham felt a little bit isolating to start off with, I have discovered that I actually share a flat with kind and considerate people that I can have meaningful conversations with, knowing that they are happy to speak to me. I have also made a few good friends with people on my course and I have a group of housemates for next year’s accommodation who I’ve been out with on a few occasions too. On those casual mornings or evenings when it’s just been me and my thoughts, I’ve found my own little routine and joy in taking care of myself. University is a challenging time for anyone but I feel as though I am starting to belong both in my social life and in my sense of self. This time last year, I was coming to terms with my failed application to study history at Cambridge University. When I applied, I wasn’t sure if Cambridge, with the number of students it had and the workload it upheld, would be the right environment for me to study in. Now I realise that, at least at undergraduate level, I would have been swamped by the workload at Cambridge and lost amongst a crowd of students who wouldn’t have necessarily been that welcoming towards me. I’ve always believed that life has a funny way of putting you on the right path. Now that I’ve been at Durham for a few months, I can see that I am discovering another aspect of myself that I didn’t know existed and I am learning how to enjoy my own company too.

I hope you enjoyed today’s article. Let me know if you’ve got any other tips for dealing with solitude, in the comments below and I’ll be sure to reply to you. I love hearing what you have to say!

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See you next week,

Bye,

XOX, Juliette