An Open Heart: The Joy in the Unexpected

Embracing Life One Open Heart at a Time

When something good happens to you just when you least expect it, that’s serendipity. Such moments unlock a long-sealed chest of joy, bringing a sense of fulfilment you didn’t realise you were waiting for. When I reflect on this further, I realise the deep confusion that exists within us with regards to our ability to be open. What we call openness, is often our most guarded self. It isn’t that we shouldn’t work towards our aims in life, but gripping the outcomes too tightly rarely brings us closer to them. Life is complicated, and even if we find that we achieve what we want, the road we take to get there rarely looks how we expected it to. To accept that as reality is to finally see the beauty that exists in life. If you are seeing the beauty in life, it’s probably because you are relinquishing the control over the outcome, which is a sign that you are being more open.

I know what I said isn’t easy to comprehend. But if I were to summarise, I suppose I’m speaking of the definition of an open heart and what it means to live with one. I’m saying this because a few months ago, I truly felt as though I had opened my heart for the first time. And no, whilst it was romantic, it did not feel polished or refined. Even saying the word “nightclub” conjures lucid images of sticky floors, loud music and crowded spaces. Yet, it was in a nightclub that I met a guy who made me feel what it was like to truly resonate with someone for the first time. And no, he was not (I say with a level of heaviness) the guy I first laid my eyes on that night. Had my housemate not walked off after speaking to said guy and his friend, I would not have found myself in the position where I was alone having to make conversation. I suppose the bars of my prison cell were shyness and the key, a swift kick out the door. Although I searched for things to say and didn’t say anything particularly interesting, it was when he began to walk back with me to my house that I knew I had started something special.

What is an open heart? The ability to be vulnerable. Like the time I found myself playing chess until the early hours of the morning with a guy I had met at a nightclub. It was here that I began to understand the true definition of serendipity. It was by chance that my friend walked away at the moment she did. It was by chance that my housemate invited said guy and his friends to afters at our house after the nightclub. It was by chance that we decided to get the chess board for the house, after initially considering not to. Because had none of that happened, I would not have found myself in the exact position that night where I was sitting on the floor of our living room playing chess with someone I had only just met. You know a connection is forming when the world feels chaotic around you, yet he’s completely focused on how you play… Which, by the way, was not necessarily good. Chess is not my strong suit.

Moments are easy to discard because they are fleeting. And when they don’t matter, they are easily forgotten. They become almost never lived, even though we’ve lived right through them. But when a moment is remembered, the coal turns into a diamond. However short it might have been, suddenly you cannot throw it away. Sometimes it stays with you, for as long as you are alive.

What is an open heart? The ability to reach out, especially in moments that matter. After moments that matter. I realised this was true when I couldn’t sleep, despite going to bed at 4am! Who remains awake until the morning after such an eventful night? Not a girl who didn’t like the guy she was playing chess with. I thought it would be difficult. I thought I would never know when someone was interested. Yet, somehow I would not rest that night because I knew. I knew that I found someone who was interested. But wait, I had no means of contacting him. I had no way of reaching out. After such an eventful night, I had not done the thing that would keep the connection alive.

So what did I do?

I took to Instagram. I would like to say that I just typed his name, found his profile and requested to follow him. But I only knew him by his first name. This meant spending the weekend finding his social media. A little embarrassing, I’ll admit, and definitely not a place any girl hopes to end up. But stars aligned because I found him. And after a few anxious hours considering whether following him would be appropriate, I finally reached out. And after a few awkward messages about the night we played chess together, he asked if it would be okay to meet again over coffee the following day. I definitely said no… That’s why I found myself in a café, sitting in front of him with a coffee in my hand, of course.

What is an open heart? The ability to laugh, not only when it is right but when it feels right too. Good laughter comes in good company and when it is forced, it loses feeling and with it, the enjoyment of being around said company. I enjoyed being around this new guy that I had met only a few days ago. We talked about everything and nothing, and true to form, I probably said a fair bit of rubbish along the way. But it had feeling because it wasn’t forced and our inability to recognise the time passing by was evidence of that. Three hours in and he paused for a brief moment in front of me, during which I noticed a changed expression. Someone thinking, someone considering. And with that, he placed both hands purposefully onto the table before saying…

“Would you like to come round my house for a bit?”

The end of summer term and the start of June meant that the sunshine found its way to Durham. It was the afternoon and an early golden hour had set in, with a few rays shining through the window. Metaphorically, it all felt like an opening. If Charlotte Brontë had written this story, the sun would somehow symbolise the opening to the next chapter. But just because I had opened my heart a little it did not mean I had to go all the way! “I don’t know. What would you like to do?” is how I responded, even though I knew what I wanted and was being slightly pedantic.

“Let’s go to my house. I can make some lunch and we can talk some more.”

What was I expecting? To sit in front of a man who was so into My Way by Frank Sinatra that he decided to sing it to me? No, that was certainly not what I was expecting at all. Yet, indeed, that is what happened. The kitchen in his house was small, with the only natural light coming through the window of a door that stood in the corner. There were few places to sit but I found a chair to sit on at the table, watching said guy eating his somewhat late lunch. He asked me the question “What sort of music do you like?” I had to think for a moment but then I remembered at the time that Tate McRae’s new album So Close To What had just released. By some random chain of events, he ended up playing Sports Car on his phone, intrigued by this new music he had never listened to.

Nodding along to it, he said “I actually quite like it…The whispering in the middle is a little bit creepy though.”

If you’ve never listened to Sports Car before, the chorus of the song is in fact whispered.

But after playing Tate McRae, he decided to introduce me to his music taste. Somehow, it ranged from the strong cinematic base of Sam Tinnesz to the classical vocals of Frank Sinatra. In a similar fashion to Sports Car, he searched up My Way on his phone and it began to play openly in the kitchen. I never realised how powerful authenticity could be until that moment. If I am being completely honest, I’ve developed a slight aversion towards singing ever since I realised that I didn’t have much of a voice to listen to. Yet, sat in front of me in that moment was a 21-year-old guy who was not only attempting vocal jazz but was attempting vocal jazz as if the words of the song were his own. How poetic it all felt when he sang with such pride about embracing life’s challenges in ways that are true to yourself. When he sang the crescendo with such enthusiasm, it didn’t feel merely honest; it was someone boldly embodying that honesty. In terms of what it means to have one’s heart opened, it was then that I realised what that truly meant. It is only when you see someone let their guard down that you feel brave enough to break the veneer. And when it is broken you feel untethered. But contrary to popular belief, romance doesn’t always have to be a prison. Sometimes a meaningful connection, where your heart is opened, is when you in fact feel most free.

A quick but meaningful hug at the door of his house was how that day ended. It lingered for a second longer than it perhaps should have, perhaps because the uncertainty of what could come next was a truth we both understood. He was soon graduating, I was about to go into my final year. Where could this all go? Neither of us knew.

What followed from that day, however, was a summer full of surprises. I had the impression that my summer job as a Cambridge tour guide would be all consuming. I didn’t exactly believe that my summer would be boring, but I didn’t exactly think that it would be anything more than what I expected either. Yet, a few follow-up messages and a persuasive voice note, somehow convinced the guy that I was seeing to come to Cambridge. A three hour train journey and booked accommodation just to see a girl was certainly proof of commitment! So I made sure the three days in July were well-spent. I gave him a free punting lesson (since I am the master punter after all). We also visited the Wren Library at Trinity College, went inside King’s College Chapel and saw the Albrecht Dürer exhibition at the Fitzwilliam Museum. The last day was spent taking a train down to Ely to see the cathedral and Oliver Cromwell’s house. Before you say anything, yes we were both comfortable history nerds – I wouldn’t have dragged him along if he wasn’t as enthusiastic. Or maybe I would have…

But the real magic comes when things start to fall into place. When the pieces of the puzzle find each other, fitting nicely together in the path of least resistance. How did I feel when I sat next to him on a bench after a long day exploring Cambridge? Like a magnetism was present, urging me to get closer. I remember it so clearly. He was sat next to me, leaning forward slightly, feeling the exhaustion of the day. I was sat close to him, trying to figure out a way to break the wall. To somehow act in a way that was not just indicative of friendship but of the relationship it seemed to be becoming. It was in this moment, sat close to him, that I let my head drop to his left shoulder. I braced, half-expecting him to recoil at such an intimate moment. But, almost instantaneously, without thought, his head immediately fell next to mine. We both sat in silence, taking in the moment. Occasionally, I felt him kiss the top of my head but I noticed how careful he was not to overstep, making sure to resume the position we found ourselves in. We were nestled into each other’s shoulder, unwilling to move for fear of ruining the moment. Placing my right hand on his arm for the first time I felt secure, I felt safe. All I can say is that I never felt so in love before that moment.

Moments like this somehow feel more powerful than anything more. If you were to ask me if we kissed at all after that, the answer is of course yes. Though, my complete shyness meant that it took some courage to make that happen. I would go into the detail of what that was like but in some ways, I feel it is unnecessary. Because the more I think about it, the more I realise it was the smaller moments that mattered more. Like the time we walked side by side through the streets of Ely. As a joke I lifted up my right hand, splaying my fingers, gesturing him to copy me. He copied me but, understandably, with a certain level of hesitation, as he tried to figure out where I was going with that. But, all his questions found their answer in that moment when I slipped my hand into his and our fingers interlocked for the first time. I was a little nervous by the uncertainty of what his reaction would be but when he said “smooth move, smooth move” and held my hand with intent, I felt a warmth like no other. Everyone says romance is not like the movies or the fairy tales we watch on Disney but I think that kills the dream. I always wondered what it might feel like to grasp the hand of a guy I liked and when the dream turned to reality, it felt like I was living my own fairy tale.

When do you feel more like the princess of those Disney films? When a guy you like just can’t stop looking at you. And I don’t mean in the sense of just aesthetics, though I imagine that plays a strong part. But when they look at you in a way where you can almost feel them noticing everything about you, that’s when you feel seen. On a day out in Bristol with said guy, we were wandering around a cathedral when he stopped in his tracks. Observing the space and seeing the opportunity in front of him, he walked a couple paces backwards, instructing me to stand in a particular spot. Taking out his phone he took a photo of me in the space. I felt a little bit exposed, almost unsure of what pose I should adopt. But when he showed me the photo I understood his vision. There I stood in the middle of the aisle, in my navy blue dress with my hair down, as the sunlight shone through the stained glass windows. I wasn’t in love with how I looked but when he smiled as he put his phone in his pocket, I realised it hit differently for him. To this day, I still wonder what became of that photo.

So what is an open heart?

Firstly, if you’re wondering what became of us, about a month and half ago we agreed to just be friends. But we’re good friends and we talk like we truly believe that. But with an anti-climactic ending such as this, the theme of regret naturally comes to the surface. Do I regret meeting him? Do I regret opening my heart to someone? Whilst a month and a half ago, my answer would have been different, now I want to say no. I was always held back in the past by the fear of one day being hurt by someone but I realise that’s not the way to approach relationships. I would even go so far to say that it’s not the way to approach life in general. For every decision we make, every time we open up to certain possibilities, the potential for disappointment will always be on the other side of the coin we toss. Should we not toss the coin just because it might not land on the side that we like? We could but in that decision one would have to accept that nothing in our lives would change and if that’s what we want, then we should accept it. But if we are not content with our current position, we must toss the coin and that to me defines the open heart.

An open heart is the softening that happens when you stop gripping the world by the edges. It is the quiet shift from bracing for disappointment to welcoming possibility. At the start of all this, I believed serendipity was something that happened to you like an unexpected gift, a burst of joy. But now I think it’s something subtler: it’s what happens when you stop shutting the world out. When you toss the coin and relinquish the control of the outcome.

Because every moment I shared with him, from whispered choruses to interlocked fingers, came from a door I didn’t even know I had left ajar. I opened my heart without meaning to, and life responded in kind. Yes the outcome in some ways was different but do I live with regret? No, if anything I am grateful. I am grateful to have had such an amazing summer. And, more importantly, I am grateful to have finally experienced what love feels like. I had locked away my heart for so many years and when I set it free, I finally understood the joy that could be felt in that decision. Suddenly, the very idea I’d written about at the beginning became the reality I was living. An open heart is joy arriving not when you expect it, but when you finally make space for it.